For another hour or so, June 28, 2006

it’s my fucking birthday.

Yeah, you read right. That was FUCKING birthday. Because once you get past, say, 33, every birthday is a FUCKING birthday. Oh, hell, another fucking birthday? Didn’t I just get another year older, like, fifteen minutes ago? For God’s sake. WHEN WILL IT END?

Well, duh, yeah, it’ll end when I’m dead. But I’m not dead yet.

Not by a long shot. I’m 37.

And instead of writing some bitchy, negative post about getting old, I’m going to write a post about how grateful I am to have had the life I’ve had so far, about what I have accomplished and accumulated and all that sort of positive, life affirming, YEAH!-being-37-ain’t-so-bad crap.

Okay, so I can’t think of anything. I’ll be right back. I have to go freshen my drink.

1. I can manage to afford to (almost) always have a good bottle of vodka in my freezer. It’s the little things, you know? Plus, even when the Safeway brand of tonic is on sale, I still buy the Schweppes, because what, really, am I saving when buying the generic brand on sale versus the brand I like not on sale? 40 cents? 30 cents? Fuck it. Schweppes is the shit. Damnit.

2. Okay, so #1 was a gimme. I’ll get all serious now.

I have a wonderful family. I have two beautiful, healthy, smart, well-behaved (usually) children. Today, I was cleaning out the refrigerator (I had this sudden notion that it would be really annoying to have to repeatedly reach into said refrigerator to freshen my cocktails and have to, every time, think to myself, DAMNIT, I have to clean out the refrigerator, so yes, I cleaned my refrigerator on my birthday because it made me happy), and I had gotten to the final moments of the act (which took me 2 hours because I kept having to take cigarette breaks and check my email and such, and because there was some odd congealed goo at the bottom that required repeated wiping), and I had a rag (an old cloth diaper. YES! I did use cloth diapers until my second child was about 4-5 months old when I finally said, “WHAT THE HELL? CLOTH DIAPERS ARE DISGUSTING!!!” and yes, I had a service, because there ain’t no fucking way I’m WASHING any shitty diapers) and the stainless steel polish, and I’m trying to clear away all the greasy fingerprints and such from the fridge and my son walks in and he says, “MOM???? What are you doing? It’s your birthday!!! Give me that!” and he swipes the rag and the squeeze bottle of polish out of my hand and proceeds to finish polishing the front of the fridge. It was hard to ask him to pause for a moment so I could get my vodka out of the freezer, but I did it, and he completed the job, and my husband came home from work and helped him make sure to get all those little hidden areas, so I wouldn’t have a thing to complain about.

I mean, honestly. My son insisted on wiping down the fridge. Granted, he might not have bothered if it hadn’t been my birthday, but it was a wonderful thing to hear him say that and to see him and his sweet little smug and satisfied face when he swiped the rag out of my hand. The perfect birthday gift.

I also have a great husband. I could probaby write some long-ass negative post about him but the fact is that he is a good man, he works hard to support his family, and even though he might sometimes really not want to, he supports me in my own endeavors, even though they don’t (YET) bring in a whole lot of money. But that huge advance is RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.

3. I live in a nice house in a wonderful town with great schools. Isn’t that what we all dreamed of having by the time we were 37?

Well, no, I never imagined being 37. I always thought I’d hit 22 and stay there. But we can’t have everything.

Along with the nice house and the wonderful town and all that, I have awesome neighbors. Really awesome, sweet, and caring neighbors whom I consider to be great friends. That, in itself, is a great blessing.

4. Damn, I’m sure there’s more.

Oh! I know! I have the best parents and the best brothers on the planet. NO SHIT. I am frequently heard to be espousing the wonders of my parents and brothers. My parents love me and support me, regardless, and my brothers do too, and along with that, they don’t let me get away with any shit. I could write a whole post about how grateful I am to have the parents and siblings that I have been blessed with. They are all wonderful people, and there is no way I would be the amazing and fantastic person I am without their guiding hands.

Seriously, though? I know many people who complain about their families. I don’t have that problem. AND? I get to be the godmother of my newest niece, and I can’t think of a greater honor. I’ve been randomly tossed into these silly verklempt moments over the last few days because of it.

What number am I on? 5? Okay. Hmmm. I better go have a smoke. Hell, I should just bring the whole damn laptop out onto the porch and smoke and drink and blog (hey, Duke? am I getting back to the old days again?)

Oh, wait a minute. I forgot to mention my sisters-in-law. Not just the ones my brothers married, but also the ones I inherited when I got married. I’m blessed there, too.

5. I have a great bunch of friends. It’s taken me 37 years to figure out that you have different friends for different reasons, but I believe I am fortunate enough to have a lot of friends who understand me and let me be who I am. And some who completely understand when I call them because I’m out of vodka, and they arrive with a bottle and some tonic. And maybe a lime.

But that’s belittling how much my friends mean to me. And when I call you my friend, it means something. I love my friends. Every damn one of them. Even the ones I have met only through the internet, although the chance that they’re going to show up at my backdoor in a moment of need with a bottle of vodka is slim. I love them anyway (and you all know who you are, do I have to make a fucking list?)

6. I get to do what I love to do. And that is to write. And to teach others to write. I don’t make much doing either of those things yet. I make more teaching than writing (and that’s not much, believe me). But I will. I’m confident of that (aren’t you?). You know what? If you’re not yet 37? Do me a favor and make sure you’re doing, when you’re 37, something you enjoy. And if you’re past 37 and you’re not doing something you enjoy (besides this moment, reading my post, because obviously you’re enjoying doing that), then stop whatever it is you’re doing (and I mean IN GENERAL, not what you’re doing right THIS MOMENT, which is reading my post), and figure out a way to do what you enjoy. This world could use a few more people doing what they enjoy.

No, really. If we all did something we enjoyed doing…and by that, I mean if we all did something TO MAKE A LIVING that we enjoy, not just sitting around our homes smoking crack (if, in fact, that is something you might enjoy), this world would be a vastly better place. Wouldn’t it?

What am I on? 7? Okay. I seriously should be able to think of 7 things to be grateful for at the ripe old age of 37.

8. Boys. I love boys. Maybe it’s just because I have all brothers and no sisters, but boys have the right idea. SEX FOOD MOMMY. What more do you need? You have those three basics, and you are golden, right? Do I need to say more?

9. This Good Green Earth. I want it to still be be here, not just for me, but for my children’s children and their children’s children. And, my friends, if we don’t pull our heads out of our collective ass, this baby’s a goner.  Enough said.  For now.

10.  Ten’s good, right?  I just have to think of something for 10.

Alright, I’ll be all cheesy and stupid and say THE INTERNETS.  I love this INTERNETS thing.  It’s amazing and huge and scary and small all at the same time.  When the Web was a new thing, was just a buzz word, when you’d watch a commercial and then, at the end, they’d show some ridiculously long URL for a web page and no one knew what the fuck that was all about, I did two things:

1.  I reconnected with my most favoritest and bestest friend Susan by figuring out, just barely, a bit about USENET and posting on every Grateful Dead group I could find saying that I was looking for her, posting my email address and phone number and probably, stupidly, my home address, and lo and behold, not much long after, I heard from her.

2.  I ordered a pair of shoes.  They were Nike running shoes, and GOD KNOWS I won’t ever buy another Nike product for the rest of eternity, and it wasn’t like I was even able to see a picture of them.  I just read a description, gave them my credit card number, held my breath for a week, and then received a pair of shoes from UPS.  It changed my freakin life.  The goddamn internet.  Who would’ve thunk it?

11.  You people.  All you people, however you got here, either via BlogMad or BlogAdvance or because you still manage to love me and keep, in desperate hope, checking to see if I’ve posted, or you’ve got my feed in your feedreader (God BLESS you, really), but however you arrived here, YOU PEOPLE.  I love you all, each and every one of you.

I’ll leave you now, because this post was titled “For another hour or so,” and now it should be “For another 6 minutes or so,” with the lyrics to my favorite birthday song, by Cracker.

I was having a good sleep
in my car
In the, parking lot of the
Showboat Casino hotel

I say, “I remember you
you drive like a PTA mother”
You brought me draft beer
in a plastic cup

I’m feeling thankful
for the small things, today
I’m feeling thankful
for the small things, today

Happy, Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
and to you

Happy, Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
and to you-ah

I’m feeling thankful
for the small things, today
I’m feeling thankful
for the small things, today

I remember you
I crashed your wedding
With some, orange crepe paper
and some Halloween candy

A sometimes
I wish I were Catholic
I don’t know why
I guess I’m happy to see your face
at a time like this

Happy, Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
and to you-ah

Happy, Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
and to you-ah

Happy Birthday baby, to me
Happy Birthday, to me
Happy Birthday, to me
Happy Birthday, to me

I’m a Benevolent Inventor June 26, 2006

Whatever that means.

I think I’ve taken this test before. It seemed oddly familiar. I’ll have to take a gander through the archives and see what I turned out to be before.

My Personal Dna Report

Happy Morning June 22, 2006

Crazy Folger’s Commercial

I don’t know about you all, but if some yellow, glowing, singing weirdos with bad wigs and ridiculously bright smiles snuck into my room, they’d get backhanded so hard they’d hit the wall and start to cry. Ads like this make me realize that advertisers are spending too much time on acid.

My recent promises to write more have obviously turned out to be quite empty. I’ve felt quite blank lately. And even with Somebody’s Son’s requests/demands/suggestions that I write an entire post devoted to his wonderfulness, I’m still not feeling it. I think it’s time maybe I took a trip through my own archives, looking hard at June’s posts, to see if I can find any patterns. No?

Okay, so here, a couple things that I noticed when I took a quick peek at my previous posts:

1. My 500th post came on 5/25/06. And I forgot to celebrate. I’m pretty sure I meant to celebrate 500 posts. But I forgot.

2. I wrote my first post on July 29, 2004. It is very hard for me to believe that I have been blogging for nearly 2 years. And that it has taken this long for me to lose interest, get bored, lose focus, lose ambition? Take your pick. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me.

3. Yeah, whatever. I didn’t notice anything beyond the first two and decided to write a bit. But I think, for fun, I shall go traipsing through my archives a little more. Maybe I’ll find something fun to point out to you.

I’m alive June 18, 2006

But, amazingly, I’m crazy busy.  At least I have been for the last several days.  I’ve begun teaching writing classes on Fridays and Saturdays, and with today being Father’s Day, that doesn’t leave me a whole lot of time to post.

And, no, I’m not going to post anything interesting right now.  Go check out the archives or something.  It won’t kill you.  You might find something to amuse you.  Or not.

Yippee! My computer is back online! June 14, 2006

Well, windows is recovered and reloaded and restored and all of that good crap, along with ABSOLUTELY NOTHING of all of the files and crap I had on here.  I did do a backup somewhat recently, but not recently enough, really.  But I’ll live.  I’ll go on.  I’ll get over it.  Someday.

Unfortunately, I don’t have any funny, amusing thing to write about right now.  Except that it’s Somebody’s Son’s birthday, and maybe you all who have been visiting me regularly and reading some of his comments, and perhaps becoming either violently offended, or even worse, finding yourselves in complete agreement, should go wish him whatever kind of birthday you’d like to wish him.  I caution you, however.  You think his comments are whack?  Just read his blog.  Not for the faint of heart.  And maybe, for some of you, it’s better that you don’t know what’s out there.

Now THIS I gotta see June 13, 2006

I don’t normally watch a whole lot of television, but I’ll be tuning in to Leno on Wednesday night to see George Carlin and satan’s minion ann coulter appearing.

The Big “C” June 8, 2006

My friend John at Romantic Ramblings has this theory. I know I’m inviting even more danger by even mentioning it out loud, but I’m hoping by bringing this horror to light, perhaps it will subside. Because I cannot bear it any longer. Basically, this horror is a conspiracy betwixt (yes, I used the word betwixt. It seems appropriate) the appliances in a person’s house, whereby they begin to misbehave, shall we say, at most inconvenient times.

For instance: A couple of days ago the “Maintenance required” light began to flash inexplicably on my 1 year old car. I think perhaps it just wants me to arrange for an overpriced oil change at the dealership, so I chose to ignore it. Bad idea. Because last night, when I returned from a day of training to teach writing classes this summer, I turned on my computer to check my email and what do you think I saw? You guessed it (well, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt here). The blue screen of death. Some mumbo jumbo about a registry and corruption. My reaction? FUUUUUUCK NOOOOOOO! Luckily, no one else was home, and I only frightened the neighbors.

So, I did what any COMPLETELY STUPID person would do. I thought, since this laptop is under warranty, I’ll call Gateway! So, full system restore later (during which the lovely gentleman named Brandon neglected to tell me to take out my system restore disk at a certain time), I am left with a completely blank laptop, only Windows XP taking up an enormous amount of space. No programs. No drivers. No way to force my wireless card to access the internet. Nothing. Fortunately, the lovely girl at Gateway who received my blast of vile and burning anger is sending me disks to restore all these things. But I won’t get them for 3-5 days.

I probably shouldn’t even be touching the desktop in the den, let alone writing this post upon it, as I’m sure that will lead to this thing blowing up, or my vacuum exploding, or my car tires falling off, or some such thing, but I’m willing to take the chance.

Thank you! June 6, 2006

I just noticed that someone has varbranked me (this is a BlogMad thing) a 10! I’m a 10! Whoever you were, whichever sick, twisted, weirdo out there who finds this stuff worth reading, I give you a THANK YOU, DAMMIT! From the bottom of my heart.

I feel all warm and happy inside now.

Update:  Oh, for crap’s sake.  Either the 10 was a mistake that has now been fixed, or somebody came along and knocked me down to 5.50.  Meanies.

Save The Internet! Protect Net Neutrality June 5, 2006

I really hope the embedding of this video doesn’t mess with my look. Because that would annoy me. But it wouldn’t annoy me as much as Congress and the big telcom companies fucking with my internet!

Watch it, and then call Congress. Go on. You don’t have anything better to do right now. I mean, hell, you’re surfing blogs, for chrissakes!
Nevermind.  It messed everything up and I HATE that.  Click on this link to watch a funny video featuring Moby about protecting Net Neutrality.

Save the Internet!  Protect Net Neutrality! 

The Valley Inn June 3, 2006

So tonight my husband and I went for a ride in the 56 Chevy, tooling around on the south side, and ended up at The Valley Inn for dinner. The Valley Inn is on 107th street, and has been there forever. I think the sign on the door said something about 1938 or some such thing. It’s the kind of place where you go in and the bartender’s name is Lou, and he says, when he notices your drink is low, “You want another cocktail, doll?” And when your husband is done with his dinner, Lou says, “You done with that, Boss?” You eat at the bar (you don’t have to, there’s tables and waitresses, but the bar is better) and you can get yourself a $14 filet mignon with french fries and while it may not be the best piece of meat you’ve ever had, it’s perfectly respectable for $14. The Valley Inn is the kind of place where the Sox game is on, and the Cubs have never been spied on their televison sets unless it’s the Crosstown Classic. The kind of place where the hostess goes around to every table and says, “How yous doin?” It’s perfect and wonderful.

Then, on our way home, we stopped at Maple Lake, a forest preserve, to watch the sunset, and it’s a beautiful place, a beautiful patch of Illinois that is being gracefully preserved, and it seems that nobody knows it’s there except hordes of people of, let’s say, strong ethnic identities, who use the forest preserves as they are meant to be used, for rambling and lively extended-family picnics. And there’s people all around me who will travel far and expensively to find some pretty piece of scenery, having no idea that it’s right under their noses, just a fifteen minute drive away.

A lovely night.